


Marriage Talk

by Adrastiana



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Growing Old Together, Humor, Marriage, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-08-07 12:15:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16408316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adrastiana/pseuds/Adrastiana
Summary: Reno and Rude are eating pizza and talking about Rude's crush on Tifa. Reno imagines a humorous scenario where Rude and Tifa get married, have six kids and grow old and senile together.





	Marriage Talk

"So you're really hung up on that Tifa chick huh?" Reno asked, sipping his soda. They were in the lounge area sharing a pizza and a much needed break.  


Rude sighed. "It's not that big a deal..."  


"Oh really?" Reno said. "Judgin' by that last bout we had I beg to differ. I mean you just stood there the whole damn time starin'. You hardly did more than cast cure on me. And then you 'accidentally' cast barrier on you know who." Reno put extra emphasis on the 'accidentally' part, making Rude blush slightly.  


"It was an accident," the bald Turk responded flatly.  


"Nah," Reno said, taking a bite of his pizza. A slice of pepperoni stuck to the side of his face and he kept talking without peeling it off. He didn't even notice it was there. "You did it on purpose. Subconsciously maybe. In your head you were probably all like 'I have to protect Tifa!' And then Bam! You cast barrier on her. Anyway, I'm not mad. Most amusing thing I saw all day anyway. The look on her face was pretty funny too."  


Rude just bit into a slice of pizza and tried to ignore Reno. He really didn't know what to say. So he had made a tactical mistake. And a rather embarrassing one. And maybe there was more to it than just accidentally casting on the wrong target. But why did Reno have to rub it in so hard? "Because he's Reno...," Rude thought to himself, washing down his food with some soda.  


Reno, finally noticing that something was stuck to the side of his face, flicked it off. It landed on the floor and Reno looked down to see what it was. "Lookit that," the red head said casually, picking the pepperoni up off the floor and popping it in his mouth. "So that's what it was."  


Rude just shook his head, laughing silently. He handed Reno a napkin. "There's sauce on your face."  


"Thanks," Reno said, wiping his face with the napkin. He took another bite of his pizza and a large gulp of soda. "Heheh..."  


"What's so funny?"  


"Well right after you cast barrier on Tifa you ended up knocking Cloud on his ass with one blow!" Reno laughed. "And The look on Tifa's face! Man.... She must have thought you were a big bully and a major showoff. You mighta blown your chance with that one man. At least the whole barrier thing could be considered kinda sweet. But knocking Cloud down like that right after... What were you thinking?"  


Rude shrugged. He really didn't know. He just wished Reno would quit teasing him about it already. It was an incident he'd rather just forget.  


"Anyway," Reno said, grabbing another slice of pizza from the box. "Maybe someday you two will get together. Wouldn't that be funny? If after all this you two turned out to be soulmates or something mushy like that?"  


Rude blushed slightly at this. "Me and Tifa..."  


"Yup. You and Tifa. Getting married. Having kids. Growing old and grey and decrepit together."  


\---  


Reno went through the scenario as if it were a future foretold. Rude found himself listening intently despite some of the more outrageous details that the red head most likely threw in for his own amusement.  


"Yeah, you would probably have a nice intimate little wedding. I'd be the best man of course."  


"Of course," Rude agreed. "Wouldn't have it any other way."  


Smiling, Reno continued. "And then you'd buy a nice little house and start havin' babies. I figure with a body like that she can have maybe half a dozen little crumb snatchers, no problem."  


"That's a lot of kids red..." Rude said, thinking of the cost and care involved in raising six children.  


"Yeah but you know how it goes. Kids are like potato chips man. You can't have just one." Reno teased.  


Rude finished his slice of pizza and got another one. "Very funny..."  


"You're gonna name one of those little rugrats after me right?" Reno asked.  


Rude shrugged. "I guess so. Why not."  


"Cool. 'Cause I'll name one of my kids after you."  


"Who are you having all these kids with?" Rude asked, intrigued.  


Reno shrugged, taking another sip of his soda. "Dunno. But if you are gonna have a little bald headed Reno then I'm gonna have a little red headed Rude. And they'll be the best of friends. Just like us but in reverse."  


As absurd as it seemed to sound, Rude couldn't help but smile at this.  


"Keep the legacy going yannow. Like a kind of immortality..." Reno said thoughtfully, sipping soda.  


Rude was struck fondly by this notion. Imagining a loud, cocky, red headed kid named Rude running around wrecking havoc with a quiet and reserved bald headed kid named Reno. Or would their personalities end up matching their names like some strange work of fate? "Wait a minute," Rude said suddenly. "What makes you think my kids would be bald?"  


Reno shrugged. "I dunno. I thought maybe it was genetic or something."  


Rude just shook his head. "I wouldn't know. I never really looked into it."  


Reno took another slice of pizza an and went on. "Anyway, Tifa might be hot now but you know what's gonna happen after all those kids..."  


Rude sighed, taking a bite of his pizza. He knew what was coming next but was still rather shocked to hear it as it was not a pleasant thought.  


"Can't fight gravity," The red head laughed. "It's all gonna start goin' south. Her ass will deflate, her middle will turn to mush and her boobies will sag."  


Rude winced at the thought of it.  


"But you won't care," Reno continued. "Because you love her. And in about thirty years or so when all the kids are grown up and married those boobies will be down to her ankles. She'll be kicking field goals with every step. But still, you won't care 'cause it's true love. And nothing, not even saggy deflated boobs, can beat that."  


While Rude found himself agreeing with the sentiment he couldn't help but feel rather disgusted over Reno's description of an aged Tifa.  


"Not that the ravages of time won't be ravaging you," The red head added in an amused tone. "Those muscles will turn to jelly and you'll be all weak and flabby. You'll probably shrink a few inches too. And your goatee will go all grey. At least you won't have to worry about going bald though."  


"Very funny Reno..."  


Reno stuck out his tongue and continued. "Of course maybe you'll luck out and be one of those old guys who gets obscene amounts of hair growing out of his ears. And you could grow it out and do a comb over on both sides. You'd finally have hair!"  


"Are you finished insulting me yet?" Rude asked in mock seriousness, raising an eyebrow.  


"Nope," Reno answered playfully, finishing his third slice and going for a fourth.  
"I thought so..."  


"Anyway, I can see it now... You and Tifa in your twilight years. Sitting on the porch in your rocking chairs on a warm summer day. She'll be going a bit senile by then. Getting forgetful in her old age. So there she'll be knitting you a sweater with three arms and a leg. You know, 'cause with all the shrinkage and shrivelage you can't take the cold anymore. And even though it's got three arms and a leg you'll wear it anyway. Because you love her."  


Rude actually imagined himself trying to wear the horribly deformed sweater made with loving care by a senile and elderly Tifa. He shuddered at the thought.  


"And there you'll be in your rocking chair. Right beside Tifa. You'll be dipping a slice of buttered toast into a cup of weak, lukewarm coffee. No more sharp suits and stylish casual threads. You're long since retired and restocked your wardrobe with the proper oldster attire. You'll be wearing a nice pair of pleated khaki slacks hiked up all the way to your rib cage. That's what old people call pants you know. Slacks."  


Rude nodded, remembering the last time some old timer had commented on his 'nice slacks.' "  


"You'll have the radio turned all the way up 'cause you are so hard of hearing. You'll be listening to your program and you'll be going 'What? Whatzit now?' But it'll all come out as incoherent mumbling because you mailed your dentures to your grandson as a birthday present. Looks like you're getting senile too." Reno laughed. "You call the mailman 'Whozamawhat' and the toaster the 'thingamagadget'."  


"Are you done divining my future yet?" Rude asked, finishing his soda.  


"Hey man, I'm just tryin' to tell you how it's gonna be."  


Rude raised an eyebrow. "So you're psychic now?"  


Reno nodded. "Looks like it to me! But it's a happy future really."  


"A future where me and Tifa are all saggy and old and tired?" Rude asked.  


"Hey man, it's gonna happen to all of us sooner or later. So you might as well be as happy as possible on the way there."  


Rude nodded. "Yeah. I guess you're right..."  


Reno smiled sincerely. "You know I am." He then looked down at the lone slice of pizza staring up at him from the box. "Mind if I take that one?"  


"Sure. Go ahead. I've had enough."  


"Thanks Rude. You're the best. Always lettin' me have the last slice. And speaking of the last slice," Reno continued, getting up and throwing the box into the trash can. "Don't worry about your eulogy. I'll do ya' justice man. No problem."  


Rude threw out his empty soda and opened the door to the hallway. "Who says you are going to outlive me?"  


Reno followed him out with the last slice and his own soda in hand. "Oh c'mon Rude. I'm way too awesome to die before you."  


"Just keep telling yourself lies...," Rude laughed softly as they walked down the hall. "Just make sure you pour enough booze on my grave for the both of us. Because chances are you'll be joining me shortly."  


"Will do, Rude. You got my word on that."  


~Fin~

**Author's Note:**

> So I've got a bunch of fics with the title "Something Talk" in them. To clarify most were working titles that got stuck that way. They aren't really related and aren't parts of a larger story. Although I guess they usually don't conflict with each other either. The entire issue stems from my inability to quickly come up with titles. So I often end up using the working title or trying to modify it. Well more than sometimes. I need to work on this. XD
> 
> This fic is based on Rude's confession in Gongaga. But I added the part about him "accidentally" casting Barrier on Tifa myself. But it sure would have been funny if that really happened in-game. Instead, with Tifa in your party Rude's turn usually just amounts to him standing there and going "..."
> 
> It just makes such a terrifying guy look so cute. <3


End file.
